TOP 10 Most Pathetic Excuses!

Hello, Jeffersonian readers. I’m sorry I’ve been away for a while, but I’ve had other stuff to deal with, most involving the Twilight Zone (just kidding). Today, I’m back with another (even dumber) article to humor up your day. Have fun!

By: Max T.


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Top 10 Reasons to Love Sharks!

 By: Sarah Merrell
10. There are 350 different kinds of sharks!

9. Millions are killed each year for the fins to make soup. Let’s rebuttal!
8. They only kill 5-10 people each year.
7. Do you like the coral reefs? Well, thank sharks, because they keep the whole food chain balanced. Scientists say that if sharks disappeared, the coral reef would not exist.
6. Both shark’s blood and liver oil are found in natural mediations to keep us healthy.
5. You know the movie Jaws right? Well. after that movie came out, the death of sharks went up Insane amounts. The movie’s creator announced STOP KILLING, because the movie was fiction and he actually loved sharks.
4. Most shark attack victims are only bit and spit out because sharks realize that the aren’t food.
3.  The Magalodon Shark (extinct today) was the largest predator in the sea from 15.9 to 2.6 million years ago.
2. Scientists are still finding more and more unknown and un-catalogged shark species today!
1. Sharks can’t get cancer, so scientists are trying to understand why.  If they find the answer, we can make a drug or treatment for humans.
Thank you, Sharks!
The beautiful image above is provided courtesy of 

Top Ten Strangest Wikihow Articles

By: Journalist Amethyst G.

How to…

10.   Not be afraid of hot topic

“Remember! Hot Topic is just a store that uses red and black interior and very loud music. It is very normal. If you still feel uncomfortable, start easing up to it by going to darker stores. Keep getting darker until you’ve made it to Hot Topic level.” –Wikihow

  1. Eat a bowl of cereal


  1. Find out if your girlfriend is cheating on you (Sixth Graders)

If she giggles at Tommy’s joke then she definitely cheating on you.

  1.  Bring a pet rock to school without being caught.

This one is actually very helpful. If you want to bring your pet rock to school, here is a tip to make sure you don’t get in trouble.  “feel free to write your rocks name on it, so people do not mistake your rocky friend for a concealed weapon when you take him/her to school with you” This makes total sense! You obviously don’t want a teacher taking away your beloved Rocky because he/she thought it was a knife.

  1.  Play Hunger Games

Because who wouldn’t love to have the capitol shove them into an arena and be forced to fight to the death, right?

  1. Become the prettiest girl in school

Sooo…this exists.

  1. Be the prettiest boy in school

So does this.

  1. Preform an exorcism

“Watching the “Exorcist” movies are not valid guides for performing an exorcism”  but somehow Wikihow is…

  1. Pretend your life is a sitcom

Step 1: Make jokes

Step 2: have a non-realistic personality

Step 3: Do everything using only 3 sides of the room

Step 4: Have a family

Step 5: Contemplate your existence

  1.    1.   Get teens to stop using your farm for drinking and racing

Top Ten Things That You Should NEVER Wrap in Bacon!

Hello guys! Sorry I’ve been gone from the top ten column for so long, but this time I’m back with an article that’s more exciting-er, more cool-er, and more stupid-er than anything I’ve written in the past. Enjoy!

I don’t think they even sell these at Subway, but unless you want to look like something out of the “wafer-thin-mint” Monty Python sketch, don’t eat a 70 foot long sandwich covered in bacon.
#9: A Pinecone
Tasty, but slightly inedible.
#8: A DVD box set of “NOVA”
While educational, I highly doubt that this would make a tasty treat. The crunch is not, despite what your parents have told you, a sign of good food.
#7: A piece of broccoli.
Why waste perfectly good bacon by wrapping it around a vegetable?
Tis' a CRIME! A bacon-wrapped veggie recipe? Woah.

Tis’ a CRIME! A bacon-wrapped veggie recipe? Woah.

#6: A Hydrogen Bomb
Why waste those perfectly good teeth of yours by cracking them on some sort of steel thing. Also, it may go off, and no-one wants that.
#5: Your Dachshund Hound
Those tiny dogs could easily be mistaken for another piece of bacon! It’s not your fault…
#4: A piece of Lead Piping
As an added disadvantage, you also get lead poisoning.
#3: A Human Femur.
Do I really need to explain this?
#2: A professional basketball player
Or Kevin Bacon — I mean Durant goes for the dunk!
Kevin Bacon... in bacon?

Kevin Bacon… as bacon?

#1: Your Grandmother.
I think this would result in some very funny scenarios involving your grandmother and a pig farm.
**NOTE: Doing any of these may result in very interesting questions from your psychiatrist, who you covered in bacon.**
Hope you enjoyed, guys! Until next time!
The image above can be found on a thorough guide to bacon…