Ben’s Magical Comedy Column: Cats v. Dogs, Part II

By: Ben H.

We have already heard most of the Cat statistics, now it is time to cover the special abilities of the Dogs.

Dogs are loyal, strong, fast, and resilient. Unlike the Cats, they attack with vigor and power. They may not be as smart or as organized as the Cats, but their pure energy and warlike spirit make up for it. Dogs are the primary example of a stalwart military force. They fight without mercy; without thought; they are the United States Army the Dogs.

In war, there are two types of Dogs. The first is called a Screecher. Screechers, also known as lap-dogs, lack the weapons to harm an enemy. However, as their name suggests, Screechers blast through enemies with their insanely high pitched cries of battle. Often, Screechers are used to either scare or disorient enemies, but one might be able to see one viciously gnawing on an enemy (usually with little success).

Though Screechers seem like stupid dogs, they actually follow a specific set of laws set by their founder, the Kardashians. Also known as the “Almighty Sharia Dank,” Kim Kardashian leads this group. “We follow one single oath: to breed and hug small puppy dogs. My assistant, Juan Manzer, is an expert in making puppies. I used to only need puppies for slave labor, but now I have discovered that ladies love puppies as party gifts. Now my parties are the most popular in the world!”

(Pop sensation Krysteen Krueger knows the gossip that Lady Mama doesn’t want you to know! Learn more next time on Ben’s Magical Comedy Column!)

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