Ben’s Magical Comedy Column: Cats v. Dogs, Part I

By: Ben H.

In our world of terror and computers, we can only wonder one thing: cats or dogs? In this modern world, childless weirdos and other Axe™-using maniacs have to resort to this simple question in order to survive. Without the answer to this question, lonely people slowly die of depression and “useful” anti-depressant drugs. In this article, we will discuss the stats of cats and dogs in order to determine which side would win in a full-scale war.

First, we will look at the stats of the Cats. Cats specialize in three types of warfare: guerilla, chemical, and finally, ordnance. Cats are masters of disguise and stealth. In a full-scale war, many units of stealth cats would ambush enemy dogs with great success. Cats are also known to shed their fur in great amounts. Cat fur is lethal not only because of its static properties, but also because of its ability to cause lung cancer. Like asbestos, cat fur is made of very fine fibers which can travel inside an enemy dog’s lung.

However, the main advantage of the Cats is their superior weaponry. Cat researchers have discovered that cat barf is the most acidic and slippery material on Earth. By inducing a cat’s barf glands (via Justin Bieber and “Austin & Ally”), Cat researchers believe they can easily bombard the enemy combatants with gallons of barf. Dog’s with their mostly short hair, will suffer major casualties to this bulimic artillery.

(Fight more next time on Ben’s Magical Comedy Column!)


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