Ben’s Magical Comedy Column: Commercials, Part I

By: Ben H. (Ben’s Magical Comedy Column is written by a person named Ben! Who nuu?!)

Commercials.  Some people hate them, other people hate them slightly, and most people simply skip them. So magnificent in their buzzwords and colors, their rhymes and chimes, and plain brainlessness that some people might regard them as America’s greatest achievement. I couldn’t imagine television without commercials. What else would relieve the pain of watching “Austin & Ally” and “Dog With a Blog”?

Commercials are amazing. They can effortlessly convince people to do extremely outrageous things, like eating food at McDonald’s or going to the University of Phoenix! Commercials can also help people go to sleep, or, if that doesn’t work, inform them about important sleep aid medications and totally revolutionary allergy medicines demonstrated by a cartoon bee. Who cares if the list of side effects takes up 80% of the commercial, even if read at 8x normal speed?

And then there are the car commercials. Cars are either built to last, can drive through mud, can drive really fast, can be used for camping trips, or have zero APR (with your purchase of another car)! Who knew you could buy the new Dazam Super-Shiny for only $19,995 with no down payment! What a deal!  What about this blue Dazam Shiny-Super? Pick up this unique machine at your local Sprawlmart for a low low price of $14,995 (may contain lethal amounts of hazardous waste)!

(Local mom makes thousands by using a simple trick that the police doesn’t want you to know. Learn this simple trick next week on Ben’s Magical Comedy Column!)

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