Ben’s Magical Comedy Column: The School Patio Part II

By: Ben H.

So: Ben. Why do you continue to sit and enjoy your lunch at the patio instead of moving to Mr. Key’s room or walking to the front yard? Well, there is one simple and easy to understand answer to that: the hipster god, let’s call him Hazen, wants me to. Hazen has blessed the patio with the same aura found in your local Starbucks, and this aura brings out the best of me.

Hazen can best be described as a Starbucks addict that is too cool for Starbucks. Hazen is known for only drinking “organic,” “environmentally friendly,” Hawaiian coffee, making his own cigarettes, and for writing long, knowledgeable, comments on Facebook. Hazen was elected to be the hipster god when he discovered how to use a “vintage” scarf to make a flammable Starbucks logo, which can be used to roast coffee and power sewing machines. Hazen is also a fan of indie rock bands and Coldplay.

When I am sitting with my friends and other highly intelligent people (they are better than me because they have “swag,” right?), I find myself being not only exceptionally critical, but also: obnoxious, sardonic, egotistical, obviously witty, impacting the future of buzzwords by using them in innovative ways, repetitive, egotistical, and being a proactive person who focuses on encouraging normal and happy people that they are evil and disgusting pigs because they do not support overpriced organic and “fairly-traded” products. In a nutshell, I become a hipster when I eat food in the patio.

But there is something else that makes the patio different from any other eating area. Is it the oddly shaped structures? No, it can’t be that. Is it the lovable school officials? Probably not. Is it the clean and sanitary conditions? Maybe. No, I think the main reason, not the hispsterian reason, is that it is a place void of 6th graders.

Through rigorous study, I have discovered that 6th graders lack the strength needed to open a steel door. In practical implications, this means that 6th graders can not go outside without assistance and very few 6th graders can make it to the patio. In conclusion, when I eat at the patio, squealing levels drop dramatically.


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