Ben’s Magical Comedy Column: Meat

By: Ben H.

Everyday, hundreds of children eat food from the Jefferson Cafeteria. Occasionally, the cafeteria will serve some kind of meat substance. Some children wonder if the meat-like substance they are eating is real, genuine, meat. This article investigates the truth about Jefferson Middle School meat.

Over the past few years, there have been many conspiracies formed, all of which have been frowning upon the school’s usage of certain “meats” and other lunch foods. While the meat served in the Jefferson Cafeteria may not be up to McDonald’s high standards, most of these conspiracies fail to consider that these meats still achieve their intended goal: to feed and nourish the starving masses of Jefferson.

Most Jefferson students are happy and love eating the meat served in the cafeteria. It is nourishing, delicious, and in some cases nutritious but most importantly, it is not rotten, poisoned, falsely advertised, and boosts the happiness levels of all who eat it. It is for this reason that any conspiracies making fun or protesting Jefferson-style meat should be laughed at. The meat is following its intended purpose and is producing hardworking and hardly-drugged or delirious children.

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