Ben’s Magical Comedy Column: Fruit, Part I

By: Ben H.

Unlike its counterpart, meat, fruit has a bad reputation around Jefferson Middle School. When a child notices fruit while idly sliding his lunch tray down the lane of the “Hot Foods” line, he/she does not rejoice. More often than not, the child attempts to ignore the side option. Only when the lunch ladies cajole the child to eat the certain “delicacy” do the children ever put it upon their tray.

In the non-school world, usually a child will eagerly pick fruit. Fruit is most often regarded as a sanctuary in the world of bitter, “healthy” food. What child in their right mind would drink V-8 over a cup of juice? So, how does the cafeteria get it wrong?

The big reason:  presentation. Let’s compare the cafeteria with McDonald’s. Both places serve horrible food, however, McDonald’s has much better presentation than the Jefferson cafeteria. For example, the cafeteria often forgets to scrape the mold off of their items, whereas McDonald’s recycles their mold to make hamburger patties. I hypothesize that, if the cafeteria either recycled their mold, or covered it up by using cheesy cartoons, the consumption of fruit would increase dramatically.

I propose the use of cheesy cartoons, and the cheesiest cartoons always use clowns:  just look at McDonald’s. Their ad campaign relies on a creepy, horror-movie weirdo, who constantly encourages kids to eat ‘healthy’ chicken nuggets and drink magical milk jugs. Nevertheless, this campaign works incredibly for them. My new clown, the Cool Clutz Clown, will most definitely increase the consumption of fruit in the cafeteria, if used in a proper McDonald’s-like form.

Sadly, the implementation of such a cartoon would probably end up with a response like this:

(see Part Two of this fascinating column next week in/on the online Jefferson!)

 

Forever Asleep – A Poem

By Sarah G.

Edited By Colette

I am at a peaceful rest,

For me you should not weep,

I have no pain and no troubling thoughts,

I am just asleep.

Life goes on without me,

As life forever will,

Those living thinking of me as I was,

Now is forever still.

If you are of few who’s heart is heavy now,

Because I am gone away,

Think not long upon it my friend,

For none of us can forever stay.

All of you who liked me,

I genuinely thank you all,

And those of you who loved me,

I thank you most of all.

The answer to life’s massive riddle,

In life I never knew,

I am leaving now with hope I someday will,

And even so will you.

Silly, silly me I was,

I who was oh so very small,

To have wondered, even worried,

About the mystery of it all.

In my passing life span,

As time was quickly rushing by,

I somehow found some time to falter,

To laugh, love, and even cry.

It matters now if time began,

If time will ever cease,

You shall know I was here and used it all,

And now I am in peace.

Deductive Reasoning and Logic Puzzle

Edited by Colette

This is a logic quiz written by Albert Einstein. Einstein believed, at the time, that 85% of the population did not possess the logical thinking ability to solve it. Are you among the remaining 15%?

 

The question: Who has the fish for a pet?

Facts:

1. There are five houses of five different colors arranged in a strait row.

2. Within each house lives a different owner, all of a different nationality.

3. Each of the five owners drinks a different beverage, keeps a different pet, and studies a different field of mathematics.

4. You are facing the row of houses and you read left to right.

 

Hints:

1. The Argentine lives in a red house.

2. The Spaniard keeps dogs as pets.

3. The Italian drinks tea.

4. The green house owner drinks coffee.

5. The green house is on the left of the white house.

6. The owner who studies fractals keeps birds.

7. The owner of the yellow house studies probability.

8. The owner of the house right in the middle drinks milk.

9. The Frenchman lives in the first house.

10. The owner who studies algebra lives next to the one who keeps cats.

11. The owner who keeps horses lives next to the one who studies probability.

12. The owner who studies geometry drinks juice.

13. The German studies calculus.

14. The owner who studies algebra has a neighbor who drinks water.

15. The Frenchman lives next to the blue house.

A Misunderstood Spring Break

By: Praxilla, Edited by: Colette

Wouldn’t it be nice to have two spring breaks? Well we do. This Friday APS schools don’t have classes because it is a “Vernal Holiday.” Vernal means pertaining or occurring in spring. Technically, we have two spring breaks, although one is drastically longer than the other. This is a “vernal” holiday, but many believe that the reason we don’t have school is because of religious reasons. APS may use the Vernal Holiday as a cover up for the real reason we don’t have school, Good Friday. The school “celebrates” this religious holiday, but they did not even mention Passover on Monday. To leave you with this idea of a bias school, have a good second spring break.