Snappy Comebacks

Editor’s Note: This is a post from years back.


By: Ben (A previous contributor from past years of the Jeffersonian)

A familiar scene opens before you; a large, stupid creature of debatable gender stands before the 5’ 1” 7th grader. The two stare each other down, daring the other to make the first insult. The 7th grader utters the first offensive remark quickly with an air of power: “Your misophelic gastrum shall succumb tumultuously at the substratum of an abysmal vacuity*!” The ever cunning response? “YOUR MOM!” The 7th grader speaks again, more slowly and with a sense of control: “You boast the intellectual prowess of a gastropod exposed to massive quantities of sodium chloride**!”

“YOUR FACE,” the… thing… bellows.

This is a common incident at Jefferson Middle School. Many a student who lacks the ability to create his own “snappy” comeback will resort to the uber witty utterance, “Your mom/face.” Annoying, yes? And the popular belief seems to be that this is a universal comeback worthy of any insult and so mighty no response can counter it.

For it is cunning in its simplicity: If one says “You’re stupid!” after you score a GPA of 2.4, you need only say “Your mom and/or face is stupid!” VOILA! His 4.0 GPA is ground beneath the heel of your logic, as you stand the self-proclaimed smarter person. Watch as he squirms beneath the weight of reason and mutters something about misophelic gastrums.

He cannot deny it: those four simple words will reverse any situation to make you the victor, or solidify your predetermined dominance.

Actually, saying “Your mom/face” is simply a sure-fire way to establish yourself as a pathetic imbecile. Only you will be idiotic enough to believe yourself the more intelligent, while all the bystanders will think “Good god, that person is the most idiotic [expletive] to ever be conceived!”

Do YOU want to be thought of like that? My uninformed, subjective guess is that your answer is no. The ends does little to justify the means, and quite a lot to counsel against them. So I have a bit of advice for all you people who are in the habit of uttering these unappealing phrases: STOP IT!

*Translates into “You excrement loving stomach will die at the bottom of a horrible cave.” All credit to Miranda for the creation of this insult.

**Translates into “You are about as smart as a shriveled slug.”

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