By Eli G.
This week’s special feature: The Great Horoscopic Superbowl!!!
Taurus: This week: You put on your best cheerleading clothes, and head out to the big game before slipping on your pom-poms and landing on your face in front of everybody in the stadium
Gemini: This week: You, in your expert opinion (heh), decide that in football, one team goes against the other.
Cancer: This week you: Stand at the side of the field the whole game with a sign about equality, no one seems to notice you. They are all focused on the mindless head smashing.
Leo: This week: The Unicorn battle continues, with the pro unicornurs taking an early lead on the anti-unicornurs. And yet the casualties continue. (This isn’t football, but it is more important)
Virgo: This week: You are utterly shocked by the lead that the pro unicornurs hold over you. But still, the war rages on. (READERS TAKE ACTION!!! This week, send an email straight over to your friends at firstname.lastname@example.org telling us which side you choose and why in a little game called, Unicorn or No Unicorn? If your reasons are awesome, you can see your submission in a future Jeffersonian!!! Good Luck, and may the best team win).
Libra: This week: Burn colorful outfits, burn.
Scorpio: This week: You try to predict the outcome of the horoscope superbowl through anyway possible, even if you have to bribe the players
Sagittarius: This week: Week two of sugarpocalypse, the bank robbery has been a success and you begin building your sugar bunker. You also further progress on your illegal sugar cartel. You team up with Scorpio to bribe several football players and earn some more cash to buy sugar.
Capricorn: This week: Angry at everything you see on the football field, you threaten the enemy into submission
Aquarius: This week: You think about the money being made from football coaches, and all sports people. Time to build a sports team!!!
Pisces: This week: You participate in the football game showing up with your baseball bat and threatening all those that try to tackle you.
Aries: This week: The whole sports thing isn’t for you, so you just stay away from that.