5,000 Feet Above the Sea: Part Six

By: Ben H.

Using a wheelbarrow, Mark transported the unconscious bodies of his victims and dumped the trio of robbers off at a far away lake with all of their original belongings. He was even nice enough to gift the group with a small map of the forest, covered in markings showing places where to get food and water. It was Mark’s normal strategy for dealing with thieves; it discouraged them from coming back to the village for supplies.

It was, for Mark, a perfectly normal day. Beautiful blue skies with the occasional cloud or two. The once dark forest was now bright and alive. Insects infested the air, and Mark even saw a few deer. When he got back to his village, Mark carried out his regular farming and gathering chores and decided to relax by the mailbox and enjoy the sunset.

It was another amazing night. The sky was crisp and clear, clean enough for Mark to see the outlines of the Milky Way and a few shooting stars. Mark was finally able to distinguish some constellations and admire the massive size of space. The mailbox had once again provided Mark with an escape away from his wretched condition.

Mark was about to walk home and rest when a ball of molten metal (Mark later identified it as tungsten) splashed against the mailbox. A couple of droplets singed his patchwork clothing and Mark flinched as he spun around to figure out what just happened.  He saw a couple small flashes of movement and tried to run away but to no avail. His feet seemed to get heavier and heavier until a point where he could no longer run. When Mark looked down at his feet, he noticed they were now encased in growing blocks of metal.

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Soccer Schedule for 2013

Hey Jets!  Soccer is coming up!  All grades can join the team.  There are different teams for each gender.  The girl’s soccer coach is Mr. Szenasi and the boy’s soccer coach is Mr. Raney. You need to turn in a physical to Mr. Szenasi before you can play.  The soccer season runs from February to May.

Soccer Schedule

2/26 – JMS vs Cien Aguas (Co-ed game)

3/5 – JMS @ John Adams

3/19 – Tony Hillerman  @ JMS

3/21 – JMS @ McKinley

3/26 – JMS @ Cleveland

4/3 –Garfield @ JMS

4/5 –LBJ @ JMS

4/8 – JMS @ Jimmy Carter

4/11 – Washington @ JMS

4/15 –Truman @ JMS

4/18 –Van Buren @ JMS

The APS city tournament starts the week of 4/22. Specific dates will be released later.

GO JETS!!!

Ben’s Magical Comedy Column: Holidays

By: Ben H.

To truly understand holidays, we must first scrape away the commercially applied make-up and find the true meaning of holidays: to generate boatloads of cash from relatives. All of the candy, strange outfits, balloons, giant teddy bears, rejections, whoopee cushions, and occasional funny gift cards are add-ons when compared to the combined revenue from relatives. The hundreds of “A Christmas Carol” movies are all lies and should probably be re-titled “A Christmas Shopping Spree” and this post should really be called “Ben’s Magical Holiday Money Tricks and Other Calculations!”

After rigorous math ((4 relatives * $20 * 2 major holidays)/amount of hours in a year including leap years, 8766), I have discovered that I make about $0.02/hour for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! In a year, I make about $58.44 while sleeping. With that much money, just from sleeping, you could buy 14 Yo Quiero Taco Bell Singing Puppies from eBay! What a great deal!

If you are smart like me, however, you use a special tool that increases your revenue by up to a 100%: Thank-You Cards. Thank-You Cards usually enclose awkward messages spelling out some kind of mystical love for the gift and/or to your relatives. I usually fill my Thank-You Cards with hidden messages, Manzi Juice samples, and the occasional fancy words that I find on thesaurus.com. Thank-You Cards are special in the way that no matter how horrible or stupid they are, the recipient still loves them. And where there is love, there is money.

So get out there! Write Thank-You Cards, and suck all of the money out of your relatives!

The Twenty-First

By: Casey T.

Blank stares,

sprawled out in the white light of our conscience, or maybe just mine.

I’ve discovered the subtle certainty of today;

not yet over, barely starting at the beginning.

Busy, everyone rushing around in a sepia-toned daze.

So much to do, to succeed, and complete,

the possibility of such, quite high considering the exciting circumstances.

Yet, the opportunity is tossed,

right out the window of time to an empty field,

nothing more than uncertainty.