Horoscopes for the week beginning January 14!

This week’s special feature: We see a newspaper in your future! (Due to the fact that there is a possibility that you are reading this in the newspaper.)

Taurus: This week: The reviews section sometimes has food, and, like, sometimes, you can stop saying like enough to actually read it.

Gemini:  This week: Desperately trying to cope with your complete and utter boringness, you try to send in a “cool” article to the Jeffersonian but find yourself unconsciously writing a 75 page article about the growth rates of grass.

Cancer: This week you: Decide that newspapers are a waste of trees unless used properly. Then you eat all the news you find in the recycling.

Leo: This week: To popularize the unicorn search you send in an article about unicorn awareness day.

Virgo: This week: You are utterly shocked by the amount of preparation Leo is putting into this Unicorn Day and decide to promote your own Anti-Unicorn Day. The war is on. (READERS TAKE ACTION!!! This week, send an email to jeffersonianjets@gmail.com telling us which side you choose and why in a little game called, Unicorn or No Unicorn? If your reasons are awesome, you can see your submission in a future Jeffersonian!!! Good Luck, and may the best team win).

Libra: This week: Newspapers… Aren’t those made of paper? Paper… Burns. Dude, don’t touch those matches… You already burned this didn’t you?

Scorpio: This week: This whole newspaper is stupid, especially the horoscopes, people should just listen to you (*heh*). Yes, everybody should listen to you.

Sagittarius: This week: You decide that you must change everything about everything into sugar. Your campaign begins with a sugar printing press. The world will fall to sugar!

Capricorn: This week: You decide to write a letter to those “Gosh Darn Editors” because there is simply no stress in our articles. See you in the harassment trial two weeks from now.

Aquarius: This week: You realize that you could make big on newspapers and begin to invest your money in the Jeffersonian, before realizing that we are non-profit.

Pisces: This week: This whole newspaper thing makes you angry, Pisces ANGRY. RAAAAAAAHHHHHH. PISCES SMASH!!!!

Aries: This week: You sit down for a casual cup of coffee and a Jeffersonian Paper at your kitchen table and read the whole thing through before thinking. “… This isn’t going to go well with the others in the horoscope crew is it?”

By Eli. G

Edited by George L.


One thought on “Horoscopes for the week beginning January 14!

  1. Leo: This week: To popularize the unicorn search you send in an article about unicorn awareness day.

    This horoscope can’t be true, right?! I DON’T EVEN LIKE UNICORNS!!!!!!!!!

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