Weekly Rant 5/3/2012: Fuzzy Animal Movies


Everyone has seen one, and some people even like them, but fuzzy animal movies suck.  They are so horrible that I have bought the $13 dollar ticket, saw the first 15 minutes and walked out because it was so bad.  If you don’t understand what kind of movie I am talking about, they are the kind of movies that are about one amazing animal that somehow triumphs over whatever problem they are facing.  Some of these movies are animated, but some are with real live people.  Sometimes the animals even talk.  Talking animals, in a movie with actual human actors is creepy.  These movies should no longer be made, they should all be burned and no one should be able to watch them.  Here are some examples…

Dolphin Tale:

This is a classic example of an idea that went horribly wrong.  If you haven’t seen this movie, the basic story line is about a boy who lives by a beach and one day finds a dolphin that has been trapped on the shore.  He calls for help, and then waits there with the dolphin.  For some weird reason the dolphin actually becomes “friends” with the boy.  Then they have to deal with the fact that the dolphins tail  is chopped off.  They have to bring a special doctor in, who is played by Morgan Freeman(This is the only part of this movie that is actually good.  Who doesn’t want their life narrated by Morgan Freeman?!).  In the end the animal gets a tail, is able to live, and the boy gets a new friend who will eventually be released into the wild and totally forget about the boy.  So what does this teach our children?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I guess if you really want them to learn something, it could teach them that skipping school is okay, touching random animals is cool, and that talking to strangers is something that is acceptable now.

Over the Hedge

This one is one of the worst I have ever seen.  Its about a raccoon who owes a lot of food to some other bear who was woken up because the dumb raccoon tried to steal over 500 dollars worth of food.  This should be enough to make you turn away already.  But then this raccoon tricks all of these innocent animals (who talk) into helping him steal food from a suburban neighborhood.  He almost gets them all taken away by the exterminator in the process, while also lying to them about  what he is using the food for.  But don’t worry, they all become friends with each in the end.  This is all in animation so it is not as creepy as it might have been if it had be with real live animals.

All of the feel-good, talking animal movies should be burned.  I understand that they are made for kids in the age group of “I want a unicorn who farts glitter and barfs rainbows” but really?  I do have a few of these movies that I actually find kind of cute, like Madagascar 2, but that is only because the story actually has some depth to it.  So next time you want to go see a movie, make sure it’s not one of these movies.  Unless of course you would like to either take a $13 dollar nap, or just find yourself so horrified that you can’t sleep for weeks.


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