Horoscopes for the Week of April 27th 2012

Taurus: This is the funniest thing I have ever seen!!!  I mean just look at it!!!  How can you not be laughing at this???  I mean come on it’s not like this is a funeral!  What do you mean it actually is?  So that’s why nobody else is laughing…  Well it’s still funny to me.

Gemini: I really want a hat to wear today…  I mean it’s so windy and my hair will blow all over the place.  It will suck.  Oh!  There’s one!  What do you mean that’s a dead rat?  I think I know what a dead rat looks like and this, my friend, is not a dead rat.  Your just jealous of how good I look in this hat!

Cancer: I want water.  I have to pee.  I want water.  I have to pee.  I want water.  I have to pee.  I want water.  I have to pee.  I want water.  I have to pee.  Ahhhhhh!!!!!!  Why must everything be so complicated????

Leo: As a formal representative of the Stars we would like to make a formal apologize about the Cancer horoscope.  The stars had sugar and coffee before giving that horoscope.  We won’t let it happen again.  We apologize for any offense this has caused…

Virgo: Leo get the stick out of your butt!  The Gemini horoscope was funny!!!!!  Your just so up tight about everything!!!  Your like that nagging mother that I never wanted!!!

Libra: Virgo, Leo!  Stop fighting!!!!!  I swear it’s like being in a mental hospital!!!!  Everyday I come home and you two are fighting and Gemini is crying and Taurus is eating something he shouldn’t and it just never ends!  Please all of you shut up!

Virgo: But-

Scorpio: I fall asleep for ten minutes and you all start fighting!  We should be on a reality show!  I mean guys seriously! This is ridiculous!!!  I hate this family!!!

Sagittarius: Can it Scorpio!  We have enough problems with you whining about everything that is wrong!  No need to be all mopey like a teenager that was just dumped.

Capricorn: I have nothing to say…

Aquarius: Are you all on crack?  It’s one freaking horoscope!!!  Chill peeps!!!  Yes, I did call you all peeps because you remind me of brightly marshmallows that are covered in sugar…

Pisces: This has been the Secret Life of the American Horoscope!  Tune in next week to find out what happens!

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