Horoscopes for the Week of April 20, 2012

Aries: Please, for the love of god, stop talking. I mean seriously all you do is talk and talk and talk! Just shut up!!!! I don’t care what you have to tell me.  It can’t be that important! What do you mean there’s a large spider on my head? Seriously, you broke my silence to play a joke on me? OW! You weren’t joking, were you? I’m getting very sleepy now…

Taurus: According to the stars, cats hate you.  All the cats are secretly planning to kill you. I’ve heard what they plan on doing to you and it is not pretty.  But don’t worry I’ll be there to call the ambulance to pick up your dead body! Unless the cats eat your remains first…

Gemini: Have you ever had a really annoying song stuck in your head? I have the most annoying song stuck in mine. Now I know your wondering wait she has a brain that songs can get stuck in? Don’t worry I was also surprised about that too!

Cancer: Dude, when was the last time you cleaned this house? It’s seriously gross. I can see it through the computer and I’m a little grossed out about it. What’s that moving in the background? That’s a cat? How does a cat get that big?!

Leo: I really want another burrito… The first one was delicious. The second was out of this world! The third one was okay but the fourth one, man that thing was epic!!!! I really want another one!!!!!!!!!!

Virgo: You worry me, a lot.  You’re wearing a stripped shirt with red skinny jeans to my grandma’s funeral. I actually had to dress up!! Come on! Show some class!!! What do you mean we’re just going to the movies? Where did I get the fact that my grandmas dead? Oh, well…

Libra: Everyone get back to work!!! You all have been slacking for the past few hours! I have to do all the work here!!! It’s so annoying! No! I was not just taking a nap! I was here working. My eyes just happened to be closed…

Scorpio: You didn’t hear this from me. Okay? You have to keep this a secret. You can’t tell anyone in the world. The stars will kill me if they find out but I’ll tell you anyway. Okay, you ready for this? Here it goes… The secret is…

Sagittarius: Can you fix this for me? I have no clue what it is but I really want you to fix this. Please just for me? You know what it is?! Well tell me! Ewwww. That’s not what it really is, is it? I don’t want it anymore…

Capricorn: Whoosh… Did you see that?! It went by so fast! I wonder what it was. It was really pretty. What do you mean that was a plane? I’ve never seen one of those before… No I’m not a pilot. I just told you that to get you to buy me food.

Aquarius: I’m hungry!!!! Please feed me!!!!!! I’m starving!!!!! Come on you always have food! I know you do! I can see it right there in your hand!!!!! Give it to me! I will come at you like a honey badger!! Don’t mess with me!!

Pisces: The stars are bored. They have nothing to say to you. That’s how bored they are. They don’t even want to talk to you. Although I’m sure they could be persuaded to give you  a horoscope all it would only cost you is like 50 bucks… Just saying…

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