Aries: You will die alone. Yeah, not sure where the stars got that one, but that’s what they said. Oh, wait not completely alone. There will be a pack of cats that eat you body before anyone notices that you’re gone. Maybe even before you are dead. Wow, that really sucks. I’m so glad that’s not me!
Taurus: I’m broken. Yes, I have officially broken. Don’t believe me? Do you not see the fact that my arm has fallen off? Because it has! And look! There went my ear! I am breaking!!!!!!!!! Help me!!!!!
Gemini: Is anyone else really tired? I am beyond tired. I wasn’t even aware that someone could be this tired. I must stay awake and write these horoscopes. I can do- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Cancer: If you’re reading this and you don’t understand this then there is a huge problem! I mean it’s so simple. You are reading what I am writing and there fore, you must be thinking about what I am thinking about when I wrote this. So in theory you are thinking the same thing as I am. This means that because the first dimension is just a large amount of parallel lines that can only see what is on their own lines then if you bend these lines and connect them then you get the second dimension. Then if you connect all of the edges of the shape that you get to all the other edges you get the third dimension. Now if we connect all the edges of the 3-D shape you should get the fourth dimension!! See not that confusing!!
Leo: The stars would like to apologize for the outburst on the Cancer horoscope. They are having technical difficulties. Capricorns will be over there to fix it soon. What do yo mean the Capricorns are on strike? Okay, how about the Scorpios? They are in jail? @#$!#!!!!!!
Virgo: Children are very rude these days!!! They do nothing but whine or mess around on them fancy pants iPods! It’s disgraceful! What do you mean I’m only 7 and really shouldn’t be talking? I’ll do whatever I want you old curmudgeon!
Libra: For some reason the stars aren’t talking to Libras? You did remember to bring them their elephants right? Well see there’s your problem! Just bring them 74 elephants and then you’ll get your horoscopes!
Scorpio: As a reference to the Leo Horoscope, we Scorpios would like to say that we are in jail on false alligators! No we don’t mean allegations! We’re serious they took us to jail riding crocodiles that were pretending to be alligators!
Sagittarius: Tell me a lie! Please stars, tell me anything else but that!!!!!!! I can’t tell them that!! They’ll get really angry!! Come on stars!!! Fine! You tell them. Oh, wait you can’t talk! Ha! Oww!!!! That really hurts, I’m not telling them.
Capricorn: Until further notice Capricorns will not be receiving any horoscopes until they agree to help Cancer.
Pisces: Apparently Pisces are the only ones this week not having issues so they will not be on this weeks episode of desperate horoscopes of New Jersey. We apologize but they are being far to normal…