Horoscopes for the Week of March 30th, 2012

Aries: Congratulations on being a complete failure in life!!!!!  No, seriously you have officially failed at life.  I just got your grades back and he gave you an F in life.  But on the bright side, McDonald’s is hiring!!!!!

Taurus: Please, for the love of god, just stab me in the eye!!!  This is possibly the most boring thing I have ever been to.   I am falling asleep right now.  What do you mean shut up?  I don’t care whose funeral it is!  I’m so bored!!!

Gemini: I pray that someday you will you see the light because it’s really dark in here.  If you could just see the stupid light everything would be so much easier!!!!  Why, oh why, must you be blind?  It makes my life miserable!!!

Cancer:  Testing is finally over!!!!!  The stars have no horoscopes for you because they are to busy doing a happy dance! Sorry.  Not really though!!

Leo: I think I’m dieing right now.  I feel the life just bleeding out of me.  Please tell my family I love them.  What’s killing me?  I have no clue…  It just feels like I’m dieing and there’s that whole giant gaping hole in my abdomen…

Virgo: I have nothing to say to you!  You insulted my sister!!!!!  What do you mean I don’t have a sister?  Well whose that lady that lives in my house and I fight with all the time?  Are you sure that’s just a hobo?  Weird…

Libra: I feel like being a mermaid right now.  Yes, that is your horoscope for the week.  That’s what the stars said.  Go argue with them not me.  Oh wait, you can’t!!!  Only I can talk to the stars!!!!  Mwhahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

Scorpio: Holy god!!!!  What happened to your face????  Did you like get attacked by a bear or something?  That looks so painful!!!!  What do you mean you just got glasses?  Oops…

Sagittarius: One day I’ll figure out what I’m talking about…  I actually have no idea what I’m saying.  The stars get really annoyed when I just make up horoscopes, which I assure you I only do part of the time!  The rest of the time I give you guys honest horoscopes.

Capricorn: Have you seen my soul?  I haven’t been able to find it!  I’m getting really worried about it.  What do you mean I sold it to Bill for a piece of gum?  So that’s why I always have to do what he says.

Aquarius: Have you ever just wanted to stab someone in face with a spoon.  I get that feeling all the time. Espeacially when I’m around you. But I only have a fork!  @#$%!!!!!!!!

Pisces: History tells me that you will die alone…  Yeah, I don’t get it either.  That’s just what she said…  It wasn’t me. Don’t shoot the messenger!


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