Horoscopes for the Week of March 23rd, 2012

Editors Note: We apologize for the lateness of the horoscopes this week. We are testing at JMS  and I haven’t had time to talk to the stars. They hate these @#$% tests too.

Aries: It’s a loaded gun!!!  Everyone hit the deck!!!!  How did he even get that in here?  Isn’t there supposed to be security?  I had so much to live for!!!!  What do you mean that’s just a whip cream container?  It sure looks like a gun… Just saying…

Taurus: I don’t want to think about you anymore!!!  You’re every where I go and you mimic me.  It’s really creepy… What do you mean that’s my reflection?  Weird…

Gemini: Pretty colors…  They are really gorgeous…  I love the way they look together…  So pretty…  No I’m not color blind!! That was last week.  No, this week I’m deaf!!!!!

Cancer: It’s the edge of the world and all of western civilization.  The stars say that they won’t kill this person if they can figure out what song this line is from!  The rest of us are, well, doomed.

Leo: I would insult all of you Leo’s but I’m to tired from testing…

Virgo: I’m not sure you should eat that.  I saw someone put something in it…  I can’t remember what it was.  Hmm…  Oh, yeah!  It was Arsenic!  Oops, too late…

Libra: People!!! There is something very important that the stars really want me to tell you all!!!!It’s a secret though and you can’t tell anyone!  You have a face!!!!! I’m serious that’s what they said! No joke!!

Scorpio: I’m breathing slowly and walking backwards…  It’s suppose to be really relaxing and stuff.  I think that it works pretty well.  I can’t look behind ’em though or it won’t work!!  What do you mean there’s a cliff behind me?  I don’t believe…  splat.

Sagittarius: I don’t like you’re girlfriend…  She’s really annoying. You could do so much better.  Well, then again, it’s you so never mind.  How did you even get her?

Capricorn: Phew! I made it in here. There’s some sort of monster out there.  But I took care of it!  Knocked it right out! What do you mean that’s you’re mom?  Oops, I guess…

Aquarius: I’m just a breath away.  I’m just a step away.  No, seriously I’m right behind you!  Turn around.  What do you mean that you don’t see me?  Then who am I standing behind?@#$%!!!

Pisces: Flying Charlie!!!  No, I’m not being random, I mean it!  Look there he is!!  Charlie is flying right there!  Oh, never mind.  Charlie just landed…  In the Rio Grand.  That sucked…

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