Horoscopes for the Week of March 1st

Pisces: Save me just in time! I have to remember to save that one person at exactly 4:15 today. Good thing I have like two hours to figure out where she is! Wait. What do you mean that clock is three hours behind?!

Aries: Ma’am, step away from the computer. I know you love my horoscopes, but coming by my house at three a.m is a little scary. You’re obsessed. They aren’t that great…

Taurus: I’ll keep you my dirty little secret. I promise no one will ever know about you. Sorry I didn’t catch that. You aren’t real? Then how am I talking to you? I didn’t think that was possible…

Gemini: Feeling sleepy? Me too. But aren’t we all? That’s why we come here to the magical dream factory. NO! This is not school, it is the magical dream factory! I swear!!!!!

Cancer: Here she comes again! Everyone hide!!! We don’t want the warden to see us. She’s a really mean person that never lets us do anything here in prison. That’s your mom and we’re not actually in prison? Huh… I could have  sworn we were in prison…

Leo: Oh, no. It’s happened again. He’s got stars in his eyes again. Literally, he got those stupid star stickers stuck in his eyes again. It’s the fifth time this week. It’s getting really old.

Virgo: Coming out of my cage. I’m feeling fine!  Yeah I’ve been stuck in there forever, it’s so cramped in there. Crud!!!  Here come the big men with big needles!!!  No!!  I don’t want to go back!! You’ll never catch me alive!!  There are cookies in there!  I’ll totally go back, if cookies are involved!!

Libra: To prove I’m right I put it in a song! Yeah now everyone will know that I’m right!! People will understand me after they listen to this one song. What do yo mean the record button wasn’t on? Grrrr…

Scorpio: I don’t know if that’s possible. It sounds crazy. Really, it is possible? How? It’s that simple? Psh… If I’d known that I would have started wearing deodorant a long time ago!

Sagittarius: Do you have those days when you’ve lost yourself completely? It happens to everyone every now and then… It happens to me all the time. That may be why I”m in this mental hospital. At least that’s what they doctors say. I don’t trust them though. They are trying to kill me! I know they are!!!

Capricorn: Even when you’re hope is gone, we move along. We’ll just keep moving along. We won’t stop ever, I swear. It might seem like a tiring life, but that’s how it is when you’re a hamster that doesn’t know how to stop his running wheel.

Aquarius: You’re not invisible. No really, we all can see you. No, I’m not making that up just because I’m jealous. You were never invisible to begin with. Now will you please go put some pants on?


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