Horoscopes for the Week of February 3rd

Aquarius: All of you balloon problems are over now! Those stupid rubber things that have been bothering you are gone.. I really did you a favor  and popped them! Those balloons were you’re little brothers birthday balloons? Oops, Sorry.

Pisces: Learn some new words this week. People will have more respect for you with your expanded vocabulary!! But don’t work to hard. It might short out your brain. Keep it to three letter words!

Aries: February the month of love. Look for it every where you go, it will surprise you when you least expect it. You’ll find a small kitten ans it will love you with all of its heart. It prefers to sleep though. Oh wait that’s a dead rat… Now you have the plague!!! Meet someone at the hospital while you’re dieing!

Taurus: While out and walking you’ll meet some very interesting people today! Although there names are inanimate objects they will open you to a whole new world. You think that they are great until they get you into a lot of trouble because they are muppets and you stole them from a tour bus. Good Job!!!

Gemini:  A new experience is exactly what you need. I recommend sky diving!!! Wait, What? You have to give them parachutes when they jump? $@%$!!!!!!!!

Cancer: Roller coasters are going to save you from all of your problems. If you are in an argument with someone, put them on a roller coaster. They will never return because you will have loosened the bolts. Congratulations on being a class A criminal!!!

Leo: Flying Hedgehogs!!! Are you feeling a little down, flying hedgehogs will make you feel so much better!!! They are so cute and entertaining!! Just sit and rock back and forth and laugh like you are crazy!!!!

Virgo: It’s okay to just want more… If you put your mind to it you can have anything you want!!!! Go big or go home!!!!! WORLD DOMINATION!!!!!!!!

Libra: Retrace your steps. Look into your past you’ll discover some things that you forgot about yourself. Don’t worry to much about what it is. All I know is that you are one messed up kid because of it!!

Scorpio: A bright yellow jacket will change your life. It may be for better or for worse. But it will defiantly catch peoples attention. More people will get distracted by your jacket and drive off the road or get in car crashes!!! You will have killed many innocent people!!!

Sagittarius: When the night will begin the pain will not end!!! It may lessen, but it will never be completely gone. That’s why you should probably stop sitting on porcupines…

Capricorn: Double rainbows across the sky!! thing will start to look way better for you. Smile and star at the rainbows. The people here at Cherry Hills Mental Institute love it when you do. Time for your shots..


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