Avocado Insurance, only $2.99* a Month!
Five weeks ago we published breaking news of an innocent Jefferson Jet being robbed of several avocados. His loss remains with us today, let us offer this tragic loss a moment of silence. (Hey People shut up, this is supposed to be silent!) But now, only from The Weekly Daily, AVOCADO INSURANCE IS AVAILABLE! And not just Avocados, but pickles, ostrich eggs, and Portuguese Sauerbraten. Every time you have any of these foods stolen from you we will send over someone to comfort you and dispel malcontent. Think of how much better you’ll feel (Until you notice your wallet is gone).
*Restrictions may apply
War of the Worlds!
Warning, abandon your money(so I can steal it), abandon your house and flee to cover. The Martians are coming. They look like green potatoes and they’re eating Gluten-Free, JUST ADD WATER!, Microwavable Tofu. They are armed with- Help I’m dying, I can’t move my fingers and my mind has gone blank. Oh the Humanity!
Hi, we’re glad that last guy died. We are here to enslave you and shut down your strawberry pudding factories. Bwahahahahahaha! Okay if that’s not evil enough for you how about this, we’ll remove Angry Birds from the Apple market. Ha! Watch them moan in pain.
Shocking Discovery: Ducks Like Water! (What a Surprise)
This is just in! Recent scientific discoveries have proven that ducks like water! First in the experiment ducks were given water and poison. Shockingly the ducks preferred water. To further the experiment ducks were also given apple juice which they also turned down! Experiment two proved that ducks preferred swimming in water over swimming in hydrochloric acid. They also didn’t like swimming in bananas.
Kids, Beware of Bus Drivers!!!
All kids, start riding your Albuquerque school bus at your own risk! There has recently been a report of an Albuquerque school bus driver having a seizure in the middle of driving. A passenger of the bus called the 911 number and said to the operator “My bus driver is kind of conscious, but he’s drooling at the mouth”.
If you have a question to the editor just tell any Weekly Daily member and the editor will answer it in the next issue. The answers will always be false. Here is an example below:
Q: Why do medieval knight wear armor?
A: Because it was the latest fashion. It also gives +3 shielding to all fire types, and +6 bonus damage on water type enchantments. But the best part of all is it boosts moral because it is shiny!
Q: Why are you answering this question?
A: What kind of question is that!? I’m not answering that question because the question is controversial. Now you are trapped in a paradox of doom, death, and despair. Take that you malevolent fiend!
Symon Majewski- Reporter
George Laird- Reporter/Edit
Tobias Oliver & Eli Glickman- Brainstormers