The Weekly Daily #5

Editors Note: The Weekly Daily is an underground newspaper written by our very own Jefferson Jets. Here is The Weekly Daily #1, The Weekly Daily #2, The Weekly Daily #3, and The Weekly Daily #4.

Avocado Insurance, only $2.99* a Month!

Five weeks ago we published breaking news of an innocent Jefferson Jet being robbed of several avocados. His loss remains with us today, let us offer this tragic loss a moment of silence. (Hey People shut up, this is supposed to be silent!) But now, only from The Weekly Daily, AVOCADO INSURANCE IS AVAILABLE! And not just Avocados, but pickles, ostrich eggs, and Portuguese Sauerbraten. Every time you have any of these foods stolen from you we will send over someone to comfort you and dispel malcontent. Think of how much better you’ll feel (Until you notice your wallet is gone).

*Restrictions may apply

War of the Worlds!

Warning, abandon your money(so I can steal it), abandon your house and flee to cover. The Martians are coming. They look like green potatoes and they’re eating Gluten-Free, JUST ADD WATER!, Microwavable Tofu. They are armed with- Help I’m dying, I can’t move my fingers and my mind has gone blank. Oh the Humanity!

Hi, we’re glad that last guy died. We are here to enslave you and shut down your strawberry pudding factories. Bwahahahahahaha! Okay if that’s not evil enough for you how about this, we’ll remove Angry Birds from the Apple market. Ha! Watch them moan in pain.

Shocking Discovery: Ducks Like Water! (What a Surprise)

This is just in! Recent scientific discoveries have proven that ducks like water! First in the experiment ducks were given water and poison. Shockingly the ducks preferred water. To further the experiment ducks were also given apple juice which they also turned down! Experiment two proved that ducks preferred swimming in water over swimming in hydrochloric acid. They also didn’t like swimming in bananas.

Kids, Beware of Bus Drivers!!!

All kids, start riding your Albuquerque school bus at your own risk! There has recently been a report of an Albuquerque school bus driver having a seizure in the middle of driving. A passenger of the bus called the 911 number and said to the operator “My bus driver is kind of conscious, but he’s drooling at the mouth”.

Questions?

If you have a question to the editor just tell any Weekly Daily member and the editor will answer it in the next issue. The answers will always be false. Here is an example below:

Q: Why do medieval knight wear armor?

A: Because it was the latest fashion. It also gives +3 shielding to all fire types, and +6 bonus damage on water type enchantments. But the best part of all is it boosts moral because it is shiny!

Q: Why are you answering this question?

A: What kind of question is that!? I’m not answering that question because the question is controversial. Now you are trapped in a paradox of doom, death, and despair. Take that you malevolent fiend!

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Symon Majewski- Reporter

George Laird- Reporter/Edit

Tobias Oliver & Eli Glickman- Brainstormers

Weekly Rant 2/28/12: Football

Emily

Many of you will probably attack me for saying this, but football should not be a sport. There are many arguments against this statement, but for the five minutes you take to read this try to think like me. I am a fourteen year old girl who was raised by a father who was a baseball fanatic, and from a state where we don’t have a serious football team. I can’t rant too much about this subject, because I barely understand how it works. It’s the same principal as the voting one:   if you don’t vote you can’t complain.  All I really understand about football is that two teams of eleven guys run around, trying to get a ball down the field.  When they finally get it through the thing that looks like a fork missing the middle piece, people cheer and the teammates grab each other’s butts. Many call football a “true American sport”.  I may be a bit biased, as I believe that baseball is the true American sport.

I’ve been going to San Francisco every summer since I was two years old.  As you can imagine, I have been to almost every Giants game  happening while I was there. So, I am a die hard Giants fan. Any respectable Giants fan hates the New York Yankees, and any sports team, period, from New York.  So instead of rejoicing that the NY Giants were in the Superbowl, I groaned.  That said, after the World Series is over, there are no other sports.  In almost every class I had the teachers asked what team everyone was for.  I wanted to scream that no one cared, but people do.

I do not like football players.   Some little boys look up to them and say that someday they will be playing for a huge NFL team like them.   But the life of a football player seems like a sad one.  T hey are very health, and very fit, but some only get that way by using steroids.  The risk of a football player getting a concussion is tremendously  higher than any other sport. Many football players come out with very bad head injuries. Most football players have only two or three good years and then they are gone, replaced by someone is sometimes only a year or two younger then them. They do make a lot of money, more then our own Veterans do, thanks for asking. Football players throw a ball around, and Veterans protect our country. You decide which one should make more money.

I admire football though, in a way.  On the days approaching Superbowl Sunday, sales go WAY up at any place that sells food and beer.  It is a great excuse to invite all of your friends over and have a great time.  It is an American sport in that it brings lots of people together, and even if you’re extremely mad with a friend of yours, you still have to invite them over for Superbowl Sunday. Or they invite you.  It is, after all, America.

Horoscopes for the Week of March 1st

Pisces: Save me just in time! I have to remember to save that one person at exactly 4:15 today. Good thing I have like two hours to figure out where she is! Wait. What do you mean that clock is three hours behind?!

Aries: Ma’am, step away from the computer. I know you love my horoscopes, but coming by my house at three a.m is a little scary. You’re obsessed. They aren’t that great…

Taurus: I’ll keep you my dirty little secret. I promise no one will ever know about you. Sorry I didn’t catch that. You aren’t real? Then how am I talking to you? I didn’t think that was possible…

Gemini: Feeling sleepy? Me too. But aren’t we all? That’s why we come here to the magical dream factory. NO! This is not school, it is the magical dream factory! I swear!!!!!

Cancer: Here she comes again! Everyone hide!!! We don’t want the warden to see us. She’s a really mean person that never lets us do anything here in prison. That’s your mom and we’re not actually in prison? Huh… I could have  sworn we were in prison…

Leo: Oh, no. It’s happened again. He’s got stars in his eyes again. Literally, he got those stupid star stickers stuck in his eyes again. It’s the fifth time this week. It’s getting really old.

Virgo: Coming out of my cage. I’m feeling fine!  Yeah I’ve been stuck in there forever, it’s so cramped in there. Crud!!!  Here come the big men with big needles!!!  No!!  I don’t want to go back!! You’ll never catch me alive!!  There are cookies in there!  I’ll totally go back, if cookies are involved!!

Libra: To prove I’m right I put it in a song! Yeah now everyone will know that I’m right!! People will understand me after they listen to this one song. What do yo mean the record button wasn’t on? Grrrr…

Scorpio: I don’t know if that’s possible. It sounds crazy. Really, it is possible? How? It’s that simple? Psh… If I’d known that I would have started wearing deodorant a long time ago!

Sagittarius: Do you have those days when you’ve lost yourself completely? It happens to everyone every now and then… It happens to me all the time. That may be why I”m in this mental hospital. At least that’s what they doctors say. I don’t trust them though. They are trying to kill me! I know they are!!!

Capricorn: Even when you’re hope is gone, we move along. We’ll just keep moving along. We won’t stop ever, I swear. It might seem like a tiring life, but that’s how it is when you’re a hamster that doesn’t know how to stop his running wheel.

Aquarius: You’re not invisible. No really, we all can see you. No, I’m not making that up just because I’m jealous. You were never invisible to begin with. Now will you please go put some pants on?

Weekly Daily #4

Editor’s Note: Here are links to the other Weekly Daily’s, The first edition, The second edition and The third edition. Enjoy!!!!!!!!

2-10-12

Congratulations!

From the Editor

Congratulations to Camden German for donating (drumroll please)… $45 dollars to the weekly daily.  So next time you see Camden please thank him for allowing you to continue reading the Weekly Daily.  His Appreciation day is on the 27th of February.  Details coming soon.

The Conspiracy of Conspiracies!

       We’ve all heard of conspiracies.  We’ve all heard people say “Oh that’s what they tell you”.  But here are some of the real conspiracies!

Conspiracy 1:  You probably have heard of Batman, but now, the truth is out.  Batman is secretly Obama in disguise!  Yep, that’s right, our president is a crime fighter!  But there’s more, if you go to the East coast in West Virginia and go through the hole at the bottom of the ocean you go into the magical world of Gotham city, where magical bats live.  Son now you know the truth about BATMAN!

Conspiracy 2:  Conspiracies ironically are… Conspiracies!  Created by the U.S. government in the year 1775 conspiracies were used to trick people into thinking that we’re fighting terrorists in Iraq.  But we know the truth.  We are secretly attacking Iraq to steal their fantastic democrats and special democratic government strategies.  The Nerve!

Conspiracy 3: Did you know that the beloved and mesmerizing Nyan Cat is actually evil?  Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are conspiring against us using this evil video.  Despite what you may think this Colorful feline inspires us to vote for Republicans. (Don’t ask me how this works, but trust me it does.)  So if you’re a Faithful Democrat you should never watch Nyan cat again!!!

HoH Update!

Hello Jefferson. Do you like the idea of Hallway of Homework? Well now you will soon be able to play the game! Eli Glickman, George Laird and Benjamin Hammel have set off to create an online multiplayer game. They will be using a system known as unity flash player to create a game with amazing graphics. That’s right, we here at the weekly daily are now running nosreffeJ game studios! We will keep you updated on game updates and have a beta test contest to choose our beta-testers! Go to http://unity3d.com for more info on unity player!  More information coming soon!

Questions?

If you have a question to the editor just tell any weekly Daily member and I will answer it in the next issue.  My answer will always be false.  Here is an example below:

Q:  Why are the Wurkly Daly so stupid?

A:  Because the editor ain’t got no speling grummer or punctuation skillz!!

Q:  Why do graham crackers taste so good?

A:  Because they are made out of rainbows, sparkles, butterflies, and happiness.  They also have Thiamine mononitrate, calcium phosphate and soy lecithin.  Mmmm…  how delicious!

The weekly daily and affiliates are not responsible for any harm you may cause to yourself by reading the Weekly Daily.

Eli Glickman- Reporter

George Laird- Reporter/Editor

Ben Hammel- Reporter

Camden German- Winner