Aquarius: If you were born today, then the chance of you reading this is very, very slim. But if you were born today many years ago, then congratulations on living this long and not dieing or any of that sad stuff…
Pisces: All of your hamster problems will end very soon. The hamsters have been bothering you for forever haven’t they? But they’ll be moving out very soon, because they got into a good college! Oh, wait… those were you’re older siblings? Oops.
Aries: Keep calm and Don’t Forget to Be Awesome! That’s right! Don’t worry about all those people that belittle you, they’ll be gone very soon, because you will have risen to ultimate overlord, in your head. So just keep pretending that they listen to you and bow to you.
Taurus: Flying jeans of doom!!!!!! Random fact of the Taurus: People who have the sign of Taurus and live in the year of 2012 and are born in hospital room 124 3 minutes after midnight have a terrible fear of jeans. Don’t worry all of you people, that’s what sweat pants are for.
Gemini:Caught in a bad romance? Can’t reach your telephone? Were you born this way? Can’t read your poker face? Then a job opportunity will open up for you very soon!!!! You’re crazy enough to qualify for official impersonator of Lady Gaga! Congratulations!!!!
Cancer: Koala’s will come into you life very soon. They’re not the cute little Marsupials that you thought they were. They may even try to kill you! Are you Steve Iwrin?
Leo: If you were born as a Leo and are 99 years old then I would like to congratulate you on reading these amazing horoscopes!!! What’s your secret? Running everyday, drinking Orange Juice, Push ups or are you just really,really lucky in the whole not dieing department?
Virgo: I have a had a vision and seen how you will die!!!! If you don’t want to know,then I’ll just give you a hint. The good sign you die happy with a very fulfilling life. The bad side is you get killed by a lollipop! Oops, kind of gave it away. Sorry.
Libra: Holy mustache of epicness!! In the next four hours you will spurt a great and bushy mustache!!!! The only way to reverse it is to not read this horoscope!!!!!!! Oh, well, nothing you can do about it now!!!
Scorpi0: Anew figure will come to tonight in your room. Now before you start to freak out, talk to him for he is wise about everything. He can explain everything to you. Your life will be completed!! Who is this man? Why he is the one and only great grape gorilla!
Sagittarius: Warning: Before reading theses horoscopes health warnings. It will explain that these horoscopes are 100% accurate and any health problems caused from theses are not my problem. They are located on page 1.113 of your guide to life book!
Capricorn: This week, look for similarities in everything. You’ll be surprised at how many thing are very much alike, like you and an angler fish!
Aquarius: You’ll notice somebody staring at you today while you’re out. They will appear to be entranced by you. They’ll start to wave at you. You’ll wave back and then realize that they were waving at the person behind you!! Good job on making an awkward moment!