Horoscopes

Capricorn: On your weekend trip to the zoo, follow the signs to the rhesus monkey habitat. There your soul mate will be waiting, with a certain item he wishes to fling at you out of love. On the bright side you’ll never have to wait to see them. On the dark side they have an annoying habit of picking at your hair, in search of food.

Aquarius: You will learn the meaning of life, tomorrow. A man with a beard who may or may not be wearing pants will visit you. When he bangs on your door let him in and allow him to take your fridge. Then give him all of your parent’s credit cards. He will use your bathroom and leave. After this experience you will than find the meaning of life…

Pisces: In order to avoid feeling alone, this weekend go to jazzercise and while you’re step hopping to the latest Justin Bieber song, you’ll begin to feel way better! Until you realize that your the youngest person in the class. But this will have new meanings for you. Perhaps it means that you are a mature person, that doesn’t need silly childish games to stay fit or it could simply mean that you have no life or friends except for the old lady next to you who has hemorrhoids…

Aries: To continue to live in the thrill of the moment, search for the shopping cart in the alley. The old man asleep in the cart has all the answers for finding your thrills. Listen to him closely, his suggestion should sound something like this “Run through the parking lot of the nearest walmart with a bucket on your head.” The bucket has many meanings, it could mean that you have been moving through life blindly or it could mean that you’re just a crazy as the old guy in the shopping cart in the alley.

Taurus: If you’re worried about financial security, try walking on the streets. They often have a lot of coins on them. Or maybe offer someone some of your services, they may just pay you to get you to leave them alone. Either one you choose, should bring you some financial security or get you arrested, but then if you’re in jail you don’t have to worry about bills!

Gemini: This week, explore a little bit of everything, try a new food or take a new class.  Trying new foods that you find in the trash can is a great way to learn new things, like what it fells like to have your stomach pumped. Taking a class at the YMCA may show you that, water aerobics are a bad idea because you can’t swim…

Cancer: To feel some reassurance in your life go to the bank and tell the teller you wish to open an account. If the teller actually believes you have money, be sure that you are polite and speak actual English, instead of the usual bizarre ramble that you have. If the teller laughs at you, which is what will probably happen, find the  nearest homeless man and give all of your money to him. It’s a win win for you.

Leo: Lead the way this week. Forge your own path and be sure that what ever you do, you’re confident. It will definitely make changes in your life.  You’ll feel much better about yourself. Until you realize that nobody trusts you in anything that you have done. Then you’ll want to curl up and cry for another week!

Virgo: Doing the right thing is the right path to follow. It may lead to something good for you. Do something kind for all your superiors. People in charge of things love it when you complement them. On the bright side you may get a raise or promotion. On the dark side, everyone will probably strongly dislike you because you have now become a goody two shoes. Congratulations!

Libra: If you love to stay in your comfort zone, then keep on doing what you’re doing. It will make you happy and you’ll feel more at rest. Being in a comfort zone will soothe your nerves. But because you were happy and in your comfort zone, people became board with you and moved on. This will cause you to become that crazy old cat lady, who dies alone in her house and is eaten by her cats.

Scorpio: This week be sure to stand tall and fight the power, that controls you. It will make you feel better and others may feel glad that you are making waves. But the others, may not like it, such as your parole officer and the IRA. But really who needs them?

Sagittarius: Be expressive this week. Do some art or some free movements. Be sure to do it in a public space, where everyone can see you!! After you have successfully expressed your feelings go to Youtube an search worst art project ever or what happens when crazy people forget their meds. You’ll find your smiling face all over the internet for people to enjoy!

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