If you were born today you can’t read this. If you were born on the same date many years ago then your monkey troubles are coming to an end, the zoo has captured most of them.
Aries- Dont fret it’s almost the holidays and your horoscope says you will enjoy everyday of winter as soon as school ends…. until your chores catch up with you.
Taurus- The time for forgiving has come opportunities will arise and your chance to fly is close at hand.
Gemini – Do not worry yourself over pointless matters that you just didn’t bid high enough for that really nice car. Seriously though that car was really really nice.
Cancer- Your constellations alignment with the milky way declares you are in great danger of killer penguins. You probably should keep your distance from the South Pole
Leo- If your names Leo then heed the advice from the stars, that horse you threw the carrot at is very mad and has escaped the petting zoo. The stars recommend you hide under your bed. If your name is not Leo and you still threw that carrot, don’t do it again.
Virgo- Your constellation suggests now is a good time to take the holiday spirit to heart and eat lots of chocolate.
Libra- You’ve always been a right-brained person but this may change next week when you suffer a massive stroke……..
Scorpio- Your unlucky numbers this week are 12 16 2010
Sagittarius- You will soon be the reason for the scores of traumatized children when you end your bestselling childrens series Ballerina Hippopotamus, with the ghastly death of the main character Helen Hippo.
Capricorn- You’ve been told to follow your dreams but lately you’ve been ending up in some dark alleys with some rather sketchy characters.
Aquarius- Your obsessive World Of Warcraft playing is beginning to drive people away making you wonder why you didn’t think of this earlier.
Picese- After numerous debates and countless calculations scientists have finally found why the chicken crossed the road.