BY: Henry C.
If today is your birthday is today you are a very fortunate person according to the alignment of Jupiter and Neptune.
Aries- You will be visited by a Blast-Ended Scroot while you are sleeping, so be sure to sleep with a teddy bear in order to ward it off.
Taurus- Your constellation has been corrupted by the suns bright rays tonight! This is your warning that nowhere is safe from the goose that’s always staring at you.
Gemini- One of your friends shall reward your awesomeness with an early Christmas present this week but first you must dance like a monkey.
Cancer- If a tall dirty stranger walks up to you in the middle of the night and shouts “Hazaa!” You must run to the nearest fire hydrant and hide from flying pigs!
Leo- The trajectory of Pluto and Mars suggests that if you are named Leo you should probably apologize to your little brother for what you said to him last week.
Virgo- Mercury’s rare position in relation to the Milky-Way indicates you are in grave peril from dancing mice.
Libra- Uranus’s slight change in orbital patterns shows that you will without a doubt learn the meaning of life by the new year.
Scorpio- Watch out for Scorpions they are not pleased with your actions lately
Sagittarius- Earth’s position in the Galaxy has allowed you the once-in-a-life-time opportunity to combine the powers of honey and strawberry to form a stunningly munchy taste that will forever rid the world of evil!
Capricorn- If you find yourself confused by a strange circular device with a lever have no fear, our stargazers have revealed that the cow in fact does say “moo!”
Aquarius- This week is the perfect week to learn to speak fish, so get started tomorrow.
Pisces- This galaxy’s inner planetary patterns reveal that your worst moment of your life will repeat itself quickly followed by the best moment of your life canceling each other out and leaving you in a relatively content mood.