Your Weekly Horoscope #7

By: Samantha P.

Those Born on November 17: Today might be the single best day of your life, one involving massive sums of money and access to the collected wisdom of the universe.  Or it might just be a night spent before the rectangular screen of your laptop watching “Jersey Shore” and “Glee” archives while munching Cheetos.  But really, what’s the difference?

Aries: You call ’em like you see ’em, and normally, this would not problem, but as you’re prone to hallucinations, this could definitely become an issue.

Taurus: Taurus has decided to go on strike for the sole reason of making you mad.

Gemini: You will suffer great pain after messing with powerful forces you know nothing about. Namely Gravity.

Cancer: The meaning of life is ∑∫♣ØŒ∞   Åξ≡Ξ§¶¥ψδ.  Yes! It’s that simple.

Leo: Don’t worry, the excruciating pain you’re in won’t last forever. It will however, last for the rest of your pitiful life.

Virgo: A dangerously crazy man will try and convince you that we, the stars, are only inanimate balls of incandescent gas. Don’t believe him.

Libra: You will soon find that your life’s story is interchangeable with a reality television show. In other words trashy and completely useless.

Scorpio: What?! Those worthless good-for-nothings said you have a big ego?! No, no, you’re right, they must have said best ego.

Sagittarius: Perseverance and hard work will get you far in life. At least, that’s what you’re told.

Capricorn: A wise man once said “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  This “wise” man, obviously, has never met your mother in a bad mood.

Aquarius: Remember: Humans are just as scared of you, as you are of them.

Pisces: Never in a billion years did you think you would win the lottery, but it’s still surprisingly disappointing when you don’t.


2 thoughts on “Your Weekly Horoscope #7

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