By: Samantha P.
Those Born on November 17: Today might be the single best day of your life, one involving massive sums of money and access to the collected wisdom of the universe. Or it might just be a night spent before the rectangular screen of your laptop watching “Jersey Shore” and “Glee” archives while munching Cheetos. But really, what’s the difference?
Aries: You call ’em like you see ’em, and normally, this would not problem, but as you’re prone to hallucinations, this could definitely become an issue.
Taurus: Taurus has decided to go on strike for the sole reason of making you mad.
Gemini: You will suffer great pain after messing with powerful forces you know nothing about. Namely Gravity.
Cancer: The meaning of life is ∑∫♣ØŒ∞ Åξ≡Ξ§¶¥ψδ. Yes! It’s that simple.
Leo: Don’t worry, the excruciating pain you’re in won’t last forever. It will however, last for the rest of your pitiful life.
Virgo: A dangerously crazy man will try and convince you that we, the stars, are only inanimate balls of incandescent gas. Don’t believe him.
Libra: You will soon find that your life’s story is interchangeable with a reality television show. In other words trashy and completely useless.
Scorpio: What?! Those worthless good-for-nothings said you have a big ego?! No, no, you’re right, they must have said best ego.
Sagittarius: Perseverance and hard work will get you far in life. At least, that’s what you’re told.
Capricorn: A wise man once said “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” This “wise” man, obviously, has never met your mother in a bad mood.
Aquarius: Remember: Humans are just as scared of you, as you are of them.
Pisces: Never in a billion years did you think you would win the lottery, but it’s still surprisingly disappointing when you don’t.