Your Weekly Horoscope #6

By: Samantha Pentecost

Aries: You don’t understand the mysteries of love but those candy wrappers littering the floor may be a clue.

Taurus: Taurus would love to predict you future but he just found out about this cool thing called Facebook, and well……. you understand.

Gemini: All of your questions will soon be answered, including why are the lights out, why are people screaming bloody murder and whose hot breath is on the back of you neck.

Cancer: The stars forsee good grades in the future, but don’t get your hopes up, that prediction was for Johnny over there.

Leo: Your life will I have a fairytale ending. Unfortunately for you this is that story that ends only after your grandmother has been eaten by a wolf.

Virgo: Virgo suggests that you live every day like it’s you last, especially this coming Friday.

Libra: Running away from your problems will fail, as will  climbing away from you problems and playing dead to confuse your problems .

Scorpio: You always said you wouldn’t wear those shoes while there was a breath in your body.  Soon enough you will be in no such predicament.

Sagittarius: It turns out you really can get stuck when you go cross-eyed for too long.Capricorn: Happiness will enter your life this week, realize it’s mistake, mutter a few akward apologies, then sprint away as fast as it can.

Aquarius: Love is in the air air this week….. oh oh, wait, no, darn, it’s just a pigeon. Sorry, Aquarius gets the two mixed up alot.

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One thought on “Your Weekly Horoscope #6

  1. Who writes these? This is great satire. I love reading them all, and whoever it is has a great future as a satirist.

    Just as reassurance, you are poking fun of horoscopes, aren’t you?

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