A Letter of Advice: The Dentist

By: Kayla R.

Dear Uneducated Person,

It worries me and many others that you have not at any point of your life, visited the dentist’s office. It also explains your lack in dental hygiene and any additional hygiene for that matter. Anyways, I feel the need to be your friend and tell you what happens at the dentist’s office.

First, you spend about half of your life in the waiting room, listening to the shrieks of the people who are in front of you. Usually you can tune that out by reading the Oprah magazine on the coffee table. In addition, the receptionist usually can’t do her job correctly so she’ll call you up to her desk multiple times. Just yell at her when that happens. Other people will thank you.

When your name is called, the receptionist’s slave appears at the door, and takes you into the lair of the dentist. Try to walk uncomfortably close to her. You never know what frightening toothless victims you might run into. When you get there the slave will sit you in an electrical lawn chair. Stare at the bright light above you until your vision becomes blurry. This usually helps you collect your balance after your visit.

When the dentist comes in, I usually greet him with a song, such as Cher’s “Do you Believe in Life after Love?” It’s a classic. He’ll then put his gloves on and start messing with your mouth with shiny utensils. Best of all, they try making conversation while their hands are in your mouth. Try your best to talk to them. Use as much spit as possible though. It’s a compliment to them if you get them covered in spit.

When they start to scrape your teeth, scream as loud as you can. Not because it hurts, because screaming just lets the dentist know he’s doing his job right. After this, he will spray really cold water toward the back of your esophagus. He’ll ask you to spit it out. Take him literally, and spit all of it as quickly as you can. After this you should be done. He’ll reward you with a toothbrush. After that just run as fast as you can out to the parking lot.

Hope this helped you, Uneducated Person!

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2 thoughts on “A Letter of Advice: The Dentist

  1. I’m dreading having to go to the dentist now, for fear that I may run into one of these uneducated people. Thanks a lot. 😉

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