Your Weekly Horoscope #4

By: Henry C. and Samantha P.

For those born on 10.27.10: Unlike pretty much all the horoscopes below, you will have no involvement with violent animals and/or vegetables today.  So at least you have that going for you, birthday person.  No promises on angry fruit, however…anything is possible. 

Aries- Eating purple celery will help you win your upcoming battle with a vicious hamster.

Taurus- Venus’s close proximity to our planet claims your deepest fear shall become reality, but don’t worry… it’s for the best! Beware moldy apples for they are attempting to rise up against you.

Gemini- Your evil twin is coming to take you away to be king of the monkeys on Mt. Wheredmylemongo. In the process you will change your name to Bobitybobbobchickitybobbob Jr. the ninth!

Cancer- Pay close attention to your science teacher the next time you’re sick and you will learn a life lesson.

Leo- A giant tortoise is coming to eat you! You must wait in your room under your covers with furniture propped against your door until mars is closest to Earth.

Virgo- The love of your life will either appear or finally notice you as long as you bring a box of chocolates to room 114 at Jefferson Middle School with a note saying “to Henry.”

Libra- The stars are genuinely sorry to say, that when searching for a halloween mask you will find one with striking resemblence to you.

Scorpio- There is nothing you can do to avoid the disasters of next week, although there is somthing that anyone of relativly high intellegence could do.

Sagittarius- You will finally have the courage to talk about your hopes and dreams. Unfortunately you will not be able to hear yourself due to everyone’s loud laughter.

Capricorn- When Capricorn got into this business he didn’t realize that he’d be dealing with losers like you.

Aquarius- Those voices in your head, not to worry, they are only the start of uncurable dementia.

Pisces- Pisces is on vacation so is not able to speak of your pitiful future.


Ask Ivan Your number one source for heckling about your problems, since 1997

Troubled in the 7th Grade Hall says: Ivan, O most benevolent third level employee of Sly Moose Industries, recently I have been having trouble.  You see my colon ******[the rest of this sentence has been removed to maintain common decency]******.  Could you help me, it’s really painful and I’m fairly certain that that isn’t supposed to be orange.

Ivan replies: Continue reading