From the Editors: No, we don’t quite understand the beginning of this piece, either. But we think that may be the point…or maybe it’s not. We’re still not sure. Anyway, the piece really takes off when it starts on Thanksgiving…enjoy!
by Ben J.:
To begin with, I would like to say that this paper is made of DISPUTED fact! That’s not to say that it isn’t true.
Rather, it is as true as my previous papers compared to my next three articles to be published next April, 2007! In fact, my paper is as true as the following statement:
“The self is in relation to the self as mind; body and soul can be considered both embodiments as well as partiality when pertaining to the discipline of the un-disciplinable self.”
Still confused? If so, GOOD! My plan has worked! Now you are too befuddled to recognize the obvious truthful falsities in my next previous paper! So now, I treat you to a brief history of the future events leading to our current understanding of Thankstaking! Or giving, if you’re one of those pagan Christians we hear about!
No, Ivan did NOT write this paper.
At the time of the Pilgrims’ arrival in the Americas, the natives welcomed the new interlopers who had decided not to slaughter all the natives and seize the land… yet. The Pilgrims, the “Indians” and the turkeys all worked together in harmony to grow corn and tobacco and drill for oil on the behest of Haliburton.
Everyone was happy… until the Ninja attack! The Pilgrims fought back with their guns with barrels shaped like horns, and the Indians fought with their ancient Indian magic and arrows (mostly arrows). Eventually, the Indians and Pilgrims prevailed, but they wondered how the Ninjas found them. This was answered when they found the turkeys hiding in their bags of Ninja gold. The pilgrims and Indians fell upon then unsuspecting turkeys and prepared to eat them in a feast where they gave thanks to God for their victory over the ninjas.
This became known as “Victory over Ninjas Day” but was shortened to “Thanksgiving Day” after the 1876 Ninja peace accord.
To this day, the turkeys have never been forgiven.
So I beg of you: this next Thanksgiving, enjoy yourself. Perhaps you could visit Los Poblanos and slaughter your own turkey. Or perhaps go to Smith’s and purchase one of those pre-slaughtered foul fowl. And after it’s dead, desecrate its body!
Rip out those feathers!
Chop off that head!
Pull those bloody organs right out!
Stuff beets, onions, anything you can get your hands on into their carcasses!
Then BURN THEM! Roast them over a roaring fire until you can hear the corpse sizzle! Take revenge on those traitorous, long-legged bird-brained, meaty animals! Rip their muscles to shreds with your jaw! Make the turkeys always regret their traitorous natures!
Or, if you’re a vegan, satisfy yourself by eating the staple crop of all life, CORN! Be satisfied with the knowledge that your eating of that buttery, delicious cylinder of corny goodness means that somewhere, in Japan, a Ninja turkey is going to bed hungry.