The Ivan Zone: Biking on Campus

The subject of tonight’s Ivan Zone (if there is justice in this world, html will not kill that font) is biking on school campus.

For many years (presumably) biking on school campus has been outlawed, for perfectly logical reasons. I mean, just listen to last year’s AAB (Anger All Bikers) endorsment for not biking on school campus: “Remember Jets, don’t ride your bikes on school campus because you might run into a large metal object and get a concussion or something.”

Who could argue with that? ME! First off, I get yelled at to “GET OFF THE BIKE” even when there are no large metal objects near. Obviously, there is some ulterior motive.

Secondly, I have, in my life, run into countless large metal objects (too many to remember at least) and yet, I haven’t gotten a concussion. Thirdly, GIVE KIDS SOME CREDIT WHY DON’T YOU! These are kids who bike to and from school often enough that they can GET here in one piece. I’d think they would have some sort of skills used to avoid concussions such as swerving, braking, jumping off the bike, and (as a last resort) hitting the metal object with their bike ALONE, no other part of their body injured.

Meanwhile the AAB endorsers think the students just “get lucky” EVERY SINGLE DAY. There are a few choice adjectives and interjections I would like to use right now, but I won’t.

Furthermore, I should think that yelling at students, which would make them turn around and look instead of concentrating on NOT GETTING CONCUSSIONS, isn’t the most effective strategy for preventing them from hurting themselves.

The subject of riding your bike around the cars in the parking lot has come up. AAB supporters say that bikers may get run over if they dart out in front of a CAR THAT IS STARTED AND WOULD ALREADY HAVE TO BE BACKING UP IN ORDER TO HIT THEM. These are also the people who look out their back windows for five minutes before backing up so they can honk at bikers, and the people whose cars, while going backwards, go from zero to eighty in, what, two hours? Point made.

In conclusion, the biking on school campus policy is an AAB conspiracy and if these people really wanted to protect students, the policy would be “Students are at no times allowed to live. If you live, there is the chance you might get hurt.” I’m alive, I know the risks.


15 thoughts on “The Ivan Zone: Biking on Campus

  1. Also there’s this funny thing bikers strap to their heads so that IF they run into something they will not get a concussion: a helmet.
    Ben, comment the REAL reason biking isn’t allowed.

    • Fine. The REAL reason is because the administration doesn’t want bikers zipping around because there grace, speed and agility shames and hurts those poor wittle pedestwians.

  2. Ulterior motive, huh? I like that idea. Yes, it is important that people are safe while biking, but certainly yelling at them doesn’t help. I have a feeling that the wellness council/new health junk about how Americans are all going to be hugely obese by 2050, blah blah blah, and the policy are going to disagree with each other on this one.

    Health person: We’re all going to obese if we don’t ride our bikes and get our exercise!
    Biking policy person: But if we ride our bikes it poses a risk to the safety of students!
    Health person: But obesity also poses a health risk to students! It can can cause serious problems!
    Biking policy person: Yes, but we can’t yell at people for being obese.

    Etc etc.

    • Quite frankly I would rather the [Health Person] got his way.

      Oh No, the brackets hath stricken [Health Person], when will the madness end.

  3. HTML hath slain my font!


    I shall smite thee, HTML.

    Silver Sity Lady, you bring up an interesting point. Non-sequitur, but interesting nonetheless.
    Also, you have pointed out that you do not in fact attend Jefferson. Are you, as the name suggests, an adult or student from the silver sity (you spell it wrong and I will to), do you attend school in Albuquerque, or am I just wasting space geussing?

  4. Ivan-
    I am, in fact, a student in Albuquerque, and not in Silver City. I simply liked the name. I do not, as you said, attend Jefferson, but I am in the 7th grade.

  5. See, some of us injure ourselves without bikes. Like by walking ino trophy cases and trees, and falling while (get this) sitting down.

    But still- I didn’t understand all those stupid pointless announcements last year about “not biking on campus because the pole might get hurt.”

    I mean, COME ON.

  6. Students are not allowed to live because while they do so there is a chance that they get hurt. Also, students are not allowed to kill themselves because doing so may be fatal.

  7. WARNING: Death may be fatal. We don’t recommend death to anyone with heart, liver, or kidney problems. Ask your doctor if death is right for you. He’ll say no.

    • Bahahahaha, insert ‘hey, want an almond-flavored pretzel’ moment here….

      Please, don’t use death if nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant. Death should not be handled by anyone living. If you have questions, please contact your nearest Death representative at 1-800-FUNERALHOME.

  8. Why does this article come up when I search my name on here? Anyways, a brief commercial for you’s (bad grammar if fun):
    More fantabulous (yes, I know it’s not a word) writing to make you pissed off, excited or depressed coming to a computer near you. Look out for Uprising, Revolutionary Article (really imaginative, I know) and VAMPIRES (grr face). All the society bashing, authority hating, revolution starting writing you will never need!!!! Yayz!!!

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