The Ivan Zone: On Trapping Successful People

It’s Obvious You Will Survive on Your Wits Alone
And You’re back from Outer Space and You Will Survive

Recently there has been an article by Emma B. that was an excellent example of literary prowess. Even Mr. Reynolds, co-teacher/editor of the Jeffersonian, said that the Albuquerque Journal peeps could learn something from it. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!! And what’s more, it’s morally wrong!

You see, people of such a magnitude of intelligence will grow up to be excessively successful authors and architects and whatnot. But, they will be excessively successful SOMEWHERE BESIDES ALBUQUERQUE!!!

As Mr. Reynolds said, the population of Albuquerque needs to rise to this level of excellence (actually, now I’m just making stuff up). The only way they’ll do it is by A) people concentrating on education and making sure that they do their jobs well (yeah, right) or B) trapping the successful people inside Albuquerque.

Trapping the people with potential is not going to be easy, but I have a few ideas (still making stuff up). My idea is this: I want every person reading this to belittle and diminish a successful person around them. I imagine the conversations to go like this:

[Boy 1]: Hey, [Successful person], you’re an [expletive]er and your writing’s a [sexual organ] and gay means that you like boys.
[Successful Person]: What, why is my name suddenly “successful person”, and why is it in brackets? And [Boy 1] I am not – you don’t know what that means – my writing most definitely isn’t, and gay means either homosexual (slang) or happy (regular).
[Ronald] They got you too?

Okay, maybe trapping people is harder than I thought. Also the above conversations go on anyways. Hmm… back to the drawing board!



6 thoughts on “The Ivan Zone: On Trapping Successful People

  1. Yes- I propose that we create an organization whose only purpose is the discovery of successful people and the luring them to a conference where they will be tagged and bound by chains to a wooden post- and it needs a catchy name… something like The National Junior Honor Society.

  2. Hahaha! VERY funny Ben, quite clever too. I wish people would make funny and witty jokes like that more often. (That was intended to be a joke wasn’t it?)

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